What is living loss and why is it important to recognise it?

We tend to associate grief with death, but grief can also arise when something significant changes, ends or becomes unavailable while life continues. This is sometimes called living loss.

Living loss can include changes to our health, body, identity, relationships, work or sense of purpose. We may grieve the future we expected, the parent who is still alive but no longer emotionally available, a relationship that has changed or a version of ourselves we no longer recognise. In midlife, several of these losses can accumulate while we are still managing work, caring responsibilities and every day life.

These experiences are not always recognised as grief. This lack of recognition can make living loss a form of disenfranchised grief: grief this is real but is not fully acknowledged, mourned or supported by society. A grieving person may disown or deny aspects of their own grieving experience. Sometimes people simply don’t recognise what they are feeling as grief.

Naming living loss matters because it gives context to feelings that may feel confusing. Grief rarely disappears simply because we believe we should be coping better. Sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety, numbness or feeling disconnected from ourselves may begin to make more sense when we recognise what has changed and what the change means to us. Without naming what we are experiencing, we may turn our distress against ourselves and believe we aren’t enough or are failing in some way.

Recognising living loss means that we can approach ourselves with more curiosity and self compassion. We can start to make sense of what we are carrying, what we miss and how we can adapt to what has changed.

Sometimes just being able to say…this was a loss, it has affected me and I am allowed to grieve…is a helpful start.